respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
