Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
