Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
