don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
