just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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