how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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