Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
