You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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