fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
