i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
