Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
