beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Bring me that man meat
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
