overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
