Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
