We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
