Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
that may or may not have been my penis.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
