As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize