I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
