I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
