i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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