1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
