Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
