Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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