so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
