I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize