Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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