Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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