Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You ruined the universe
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
