I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
