The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize