time to smoke my breakfast
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
