Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
