i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
