I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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