Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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