Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
