I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
