if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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