I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
