2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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