Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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