It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
