I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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