You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
