she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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