Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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