3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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