So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
