cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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