I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
