we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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