I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
