So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
