I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
