Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize