I think I died a long time ago.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
