I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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