There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
