when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
