Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
cat food counts as protein by the way
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
